How to Initiate Sex as a Woman
We all grew up in a culture that discourages openness about sexual activity of any kind. Often, it can feel easier to wait around for your partner to make the first move.
You might feel as if you don’t have the words to convey what you want, and your partner might misunderstand the signals you’re sending.
Furthermore, there’s always the risk you’ll get rejected.
What works for you might not work for your partner when it comes to sexual initiation. Maybe your style of seduction has the opposite effect -- and is actually a turn off.
But if you never initiate sex, this can lead to resentment in the relationship and a total lack of sexual satisfaction in your romantic relationship.
That’s why, in this article, we’re going to talk about why women should get more comfortable initiating sex, and 5 ideas for getting it on -- on your terms. But this article isn’t just for women — it’s for all feminists who want to master initiating sexual intimacy — while ensuring a good time for both you and your partner.
Why it’s a mistake for women to not initiate sex
There are a couple reasons women are shy about initiating sex: it can be a very vulnerable act. You’re putting yourself out there, potentially risking rejection.
Our culture has this stereotype that females should be passive -- that we shouldn’t be the ones to ask our crush to the dance.
So, it’s understandable that many women would shirk from the idea of getting the ball rolling and being the seducer — this is even hard for feminists.
But I think this is a gender role worth smashing. Here’s why.
Sex is great for your relationship.
You should have more of it. Here’s why: couples who have more sex enjoy enhanced intimacy and bonding, lower stress, a lower breakup rate, and better mental and physical health for both people. Initiating sex is great for your relationship, because it’ll lead to more sex. (and hell, sex is FUN.)
Your partner wants to feel desired.
If your partner is always the one initiating sex, they might start to wonder if you’re even attracted to them, and if you even like having sex with them at all.
Maybe they’ll assume you have a basement-low libido, and they’ll just stop asking after a while.
Many people are unhappy with how their partner initiates sex.
As a feminist sex coach and relationship expert, a lot of people tell me that the way their partner initiates sex doesn’t do it for them. But mainly, people tell me they wished their partner would initiate sex more.
Now, it’s not like we’ve been given an education on the “art of seduction”. For many people, initiating intimacy is guess work, and this guess work can often fall flat.
Look -- you won’t know how your partner likes being seduced -- until you communicate with them about it.
Do you find it difficult -- if not impossible -- to have a frank discussion about sex? Click here to read “Why It’s So Hard to Talk About Sex.”
Enthusiastic consent is a part of this process.
Just because you want to ride your partner like a stallion, doesn’t mean they want to partake.
As we explore the art of seduction and initiating sex and intimacy, remember that consent is a natural part of this process. And consent goes both ways, for all genders.
Especially if you’re in a relationship with a man, it’s easy to assume that he wants to get it on ALL THE TIME. While men tend to enjoy spontaneous desire more than most women, it’s still important to respect his boundaries. Because hey -- that’s just part being a good lover and feminist.
Make sure you receive enthusiastic consent from your partner before you take the next step into having sex.
5 Ways Women can Initiate Sex… Without the Awkwardness
Without further ado, here are the 5 best ways woman can get better at initiating sex, taking control over more frequent intimacy, and making their partner feel desired.
Embrace playfulness
“Get on the floor! Take off your shirt! Unzip your pants!”
As long as everyone’s on board with a little bit of “zest”, being playful can be a great way to loosen up and turn sex into a lighthearted game.
Initiate more touch
Touch is the gateway drug to sex.
Consider times throughout the day when you can touch your partner more. Hold their hand in the car. Kiss them (slowly) before and after work.
Before bed, tell them to lay on their stomach so you can massage their back with massage oils (My favorite is almond oil with a dash of lavender oil in it, for its warming properties.)
The quickest way to their heart is a butt massage. This trick will get most people aroused pretty quickly. ;)
Ask your partner how they would like to be seduced
The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you’re looking for answers. And sometimes the best place to find those answers is your partner!
So don’t be afraid to ask them! Straight up! Maybe over a round of beers or when you’re snuggling right before drifting off to sleep. Be honest and upfront. You can say something like, “Hey, I’d like to have more sex with you because I LOVE having sex with you. But I have no idea how to initiate sex. I don’t know how you want me to initiate sex.”
“But Myisha,” you say, “Doesn’t that take the mystery and allure out of seduction?”
No. Here’s why.
Too many people assume how their partner wants sex to begin, but they’re often wrong (as I previously mentioned.) It’s better to ask and KNOW, than to guess and fail.
Here are some things you might ask, according to sex therapist Petra Zebroff:
Do they like being asked or touched?
Do they prefer a direct or more subtle approach?
Would they rather be surprised or see it coming?
Make them feel desired.
I have a secret for you…
Foreplay is an all-day thing. In fact, foreplay is a lifestyle.
Come up behind her and kiss her neck when she’s doing the dishes. Gently grab his butt when you go in for a hug. During the work day, send a couple texts about how sexy they are and how much you want them.
Get creative. Show them you desire them. Especially in a long-term, committed relationship, desire can be often taken for granted.
Stock up on some sex toys
Initiating sex is easier when there’s something fun to experiment with!
Visit your local feminist sex shop’s online store and explore the sex toys with your partner. Not only is this a great way to explore fantasies and preferences together, but it inspires you both to open up and get creative in the bedroom.
Furthermore, buying some toys keeps sex front of mind, so you’re both more likely to get it on.
Click here to read the article, “How to choose a sex toy.”
Still Feel Weird About Initiating Sex?
Take control over your sex life -- and your pleasure -- by learning how to communicate about sex with ease, and how to seduce your partner according to their intimacy style. Sign up for coaching today to find your power in the bedroom. After all, life is better when your sex life sings.
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