Common Sex Issues that Can Be Helped with More Foreplay

If you’ve been curious about what the foreplay hype is all about, I’m here to tell you that great things await you, my friend. Some of my clients feel at a total loss when I tell them to spend more time warming up to sex. They either never had great foreplay experiences or foreplay faded into the background as their sex life slid into a familiar pattern. It feels daunting to try something new or add something back in.

If this sounds like you, know that you're in good company. Everyone who has been sexual has faced sexual hiccups, blips, and, sometimes, full-on roadblocks. And that's okay!

The solutions to your sex problems might be simpler than you think.

Inability to climax

Sometimes, the real issue is having the expectation of climaxing. For some, this can seem performative and intimidating—and few things ruin an experience like performative pressure.

Try drawing out the anticipation for yourself and your partner. Don’t go straight for the O. Go for other sexual activities such as making out, teasing strokes, and playful nibbles that make them want more. Our nerve endings can take time to warm up (especially when you and/or your partner aren’t exactly in the mood). So, learn to have fun with the warmup process. You may find that the spark fans into a flame.

Loss of passion and excitement

We all get worn down from our jobs or general responsibilities in life. For a lot of us, having the creative energy to make sex exciting and to have strong sexual desire can be a tall order after a long day of work.

It’s moments like these when you can explore beyond the bedroom, whether it’s sexting throughout the day to create anticipation or introducing erotic entertainment like porn or sexy audio stories. These can fuel your imagination, give you some time to build up sexual energy, and combat boredom in the bedroom.

You can’t quiet your mind during sex

If you’re having a problem quieting your mind during sex, then you may be struggling with staying present and in the moment.

If you’re having a wandering mind and you’re dissociating from the moment, then ask yourself: Is it because of my relationship to sex? Or is it because of my relationship to my partner?

If you find yourself struggling to stay present in general, then yoga, meditation, and breathwork are great tools to practice refocusing on the present moment. However, this could also mean your mind requires more stimulation than others. So, exploring the mental and intellectual side of foreplay could be a great place to start.

Lack of vaginal lubrication

Lack of lubrication doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not turned on. Changes in estrogen as we age may lead to decreased lubrication.

Foreplay can definitely help increase arousal and lubrication for people who aren’t grappling with hormonal changes. But some people with vaginal dryness may need additional lubrication. Don’t think of this as a bad thing. Increasing foreplay and adding lube in as part of that can be incredibly sexy! Think about lube as a way to spice up a pre-sex massage.

Too much pressure to make a baby

If you’re a couple who is trying to get pregnant, sex can seem like a very unsexy process. Also, the goal of having sex during ovulation can overshadow your desire for sex for pleasure’s sake.

One thing to keep in mind is that studies show that arousal can lead to higher sperm levels. The same has been studied for arousal in women and its link to egg receptivity. I have had clients plan “ovulation vacations” to set a sexy vibe for sex during times of higher probability of conception. Foreplay can definitely be part of your conception journey.

Feeling emotionally disconnected

Stress and life changes (like having kids!) can often lead to a lack of emotional connection. Whether it's getting through a week of work hell or negotiating Defcon-level toddler meltdowns, stress can drain our emotional availability.

Being intentional about showing you care seems obvious, but when you’re in the thick of it, it can be easy to forget. So, hire that babysitter, buy those concert tickets, or maybe something as simple as a small gesture or sincere text can muster a sense of togetherness that leads to a steamier connection later.

Not feeling sexy

Foreplay can help us connect with our bodies – especially those of us with cerebral professions or who tend to be more logical in nature. Sometimes the issue is rooted in body image issues. Other times it can be rooted in issues with unrealistic expectations or general incompatibility.

Embodiment practices such as mirror work, dancing, or yoga can help align our hearts with our bodies. Also, consider having open and meaningful conversations about each other's needs to ensure everyone is feeling valued and wanted.

Pain during sex

Disclaimer: Oftentimes, foreplay will not fix this. But if you’re not getting aroused enough, foreplay will go a long way in helping you get more aroused so sex isn't so uncomfortable.

While there are many anatomical reasons someone experiences pain during sex, there are many other ways to create pleasure. The mind is powerful, and a well-explored combination of mental/emotional stimulation and sensory play can be a great start in discovering a world for both partners outside of intercourse. You can also work with a health professional to help you learn why you have painful intercourse and provide treatment if necessary.

Want to learn more?

If you want to learn more about foreplay techniques, then check out my Coaching Worksheet to help you identify opportunities for improvement and find remedies for foreplay problems. You can also subscribe to the ezine and check out The Foreplay Issue.

You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people from all walks of life improve their foreplay techniques, sex lives, and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.