Sex and dating when you have sexual trauma

(WARNING: This article contains mentions of rape and sexual assault which may be triggering.)

If you have experienced sexual trauma in your life, it’s important to know that you CAN have healthy intimate relationships.

You CAN experience true pleasure, desire, and consent.

There is hope. Know that you deserve to be able to experience those things when you are ready.

Unfortunately, sexual violence is an all-too-common occurrence. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or complete rape in her lifetime,” and “About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.” Transgender students are at a higher risk for sexual violence as well, “21% of TGQN (transgender, genderqueer, noncomforming) college students have been sexually assaulted.”

So know that you are not alone.

In this article we’ll cover the impact of sexual trauma on relationships, work you can do outside of a relationship to heal and ways you can work with a partner to accommodate your needs.

The impact of sexual trauma (on relationships and yourself)

“The likelihood that a person suffers suicidal or depressive thoughts increases after sexual violence,” according to RAINN. In fact, they go even further to say “94% of women who are raped experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”

While these statistics are scary, they showcase the reality of the fallout from sexual trauma.

You may experience depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, PTSD – any number of trauma responses. And they’re all completely valid responses.

“One of the most tragic outcomes to sexual abuse and assault is the negative impact on the sense of self and how healthy relationships work,” says Robyn Brickel, M.A., LMFT.

Sexual assault can make it hard for you to trust others AND yourself. Oftentimes those who have been abused report a mind and body disconnect, they find themselves disassociating and separating from their body. They may carry a lot of shame around with them, or they may feel unworthy of love.

The responses can be even more intense if the victim received repeated sexual abuse, especially in childhood. Robyn explains, “Not only do some victims endure violation from those they depend on to survive. They are often forced to hide the truth. Their mental, emotional and physical growth must adapt to accommodate repeated terror…”

According to Virginia Gilbert, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, “There’s no ‘right’ way to start dating again after sexual trauma; it’s going to be jarring regardless, but there are ways to make it a little easier.”

For many, the first step is talking to a licensed professional to begin their healing process.

Work with a trauma-informed therapist

While sexual trauma victims may find relationships scary, a “positive close connection with an intimate partner that they trust can ultimately be healing.”

It’s important not to rush into a situation you’re uncomfortable with. Working with a therapist and talking through the experiences you have while dating can help you better understand why you’re experiencing certain triggers and how you can cope when difficult emotions come up.

The more a survivor of sexual abuse understands their own trauma, the better they will be able to cope with their issues and discuss them with their partner.

But finding the right therapist is a huge part of this. Look for therapists who are trauma-informed, specifically work with PTSD, sexual abuse and those that offer EMDR.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be incredibly helpful for those who have lived through something traumatic in their lives.  According to the EMDR Institute, “Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference… EMDR shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.”

EMDR is a phased and focused approach to addressing trauma. It allows the patient to reconnect and reevaluate the events that happened in a safe environment. It takes the core message that the person received from their trauma and adjusts it to reality.

For example, oftentimes victims of abuse feel they “deserved” the inappropriate behavior. The shame behind what happens clouds their ability to see reality. Through EMDR they’re able to see through to the other side that they’re a good person who deserves love, not abuse.

Create a positive connection with your own body

Before you seek out a sexual relationship with a partner, it can be very healing to reestablish a positive connection with your own body. Body dysmorphia can be common for sexual abuse survivors, or as we discussed before, mind-body disconnection or dissociation during sex. Pleasure starts with your own relationship to your body, so learning what feels good and what is a potential trigger for you is crucial to rebuilding a solid sexual connection to yourself.

Establishing and reintroducing a self-pleasure routine based in mindfulness can help you begin to work through some of these issues. If you get triggered or experience flashbacks during masturbation/self-pleasure, you can stop then return when you feel better. This can help normalize the practice of noticing your triggers, giving yourself space to process and then continuing with pleasure exploration.

This process can take time but be patient with yourself. It’s important to work at this situation with yourself from a stance of self-love and not frustration. Healing is non-linear. You may have good days and bad days, but the work is staying with it and celebrating your wins big and small!

Ask for what you need

Learning to ask for what you need in order to feel safe shifts the power to you and puts you in a place of control.

This can look like you planning the date. Like meeting in a public place where you feel comfortable, driving your own car with an excuse to leave if you need to.

It can look like you being the one to initiate physical contact of any sort, from kissing to hand holding, or as you get more comfortable, from genital touching to sex.

It may mean keeping the lights on, avoiding certain sexual positions or scenarios.

But it ALWAYS means establishing healthy sexual boundaries that are grounded in consent. Your partner needs to know what is ok and what is absolutely NOT ok.

This can look like having multiple conversations on what you need sexually, or it can be creating a “yes/no/maybe” list. According to sex therapist Dulcinea Pitagora, “healthy boundaries are a collection of a person’s wants and needs as well as hard and soft limits that combine to support optimal physical and mental health and strong relationships.”

It’s saying “no” to things that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. It’s respecting your body first and foremost and creating body autonomy for yourself.

Know that you don't have to talk about it right away

We already know that there’s a lot of shame involved with trauma. It’s completely ok to keep your guard up until you feel safe and comfortable enough to discuss this with a new person.

You are under NO obligation to share your trauma with someone you’re casually dating.

It is YOUR story to tell on YOUR terms. You can absolutely set boundaries without telling the backstory.

Also know that you are not responsible for their response/reaction. Because of the shame involved, some of my clients have felt like they hold some kind of ownership over the feelings of whoever they tell. That they are personally responsible for any uncomfortable feelings created in response to their story.

This isn’t true. However the person you tell responds is a reflection of them and the situation, not you personally.

So, for example, if you tell a partner and they become angry, that doesn’t mean they are angry at you.

Establish an emergency plan with sexual partners if you do get triggered

It’s important to have a plan in place in case a trigger comes up for you. It’s also important your partner knows ahead of time what a trauma response looks like, or what it COULD look like.

When something does trigger you, if you already have this plan in place your partner will immediately know how to react. Remember, what you need will be different than what someone else could need in that situation. Make sure this plan is tailored specifically to you and your needs.

For example, for one person an emergency plan might look like immediately stopping sexual contact and being held by their partner while wrapped in a blanket and offered tissues. For someone else it might look like pausing sexual contact and talking through the trauma response. For another person it may be needing 15 minutes of alone time to decompress in solitude. Everyone is different because everyone’s needs are different!

If you don’t feel comfortable enough to share your safety needs with your partner, they may not be the best sexual partner for you at this point in your recovery. You need to feel supported, which is only possible if you feel SAFE.

Still not sure where to start? Let’s figure this out together.

Starting to date after sexual trauma can feel overwhelming. As an experienced sex coach, I’ve helped people create healthy boundaries and return to a pleasure-filled life. Coaching, combined with the support of a licensed mental health counselor, can help you create amazing sexual connections. Click here to learn about sex and dating coaching with me.