Common and Unhelpful Sex Advice that You NEVER have to Take
Sometimes your friends, or even your doctors, may want to weigh in on how to make improvements in your sex life. Beware of unhelpful advice that could actually cause more stress and anxiety than it’s worth. Here are some of the most common (and unhelpful) pieces of advice as well as sex advice that is actually useful.
“Just relax,” “have a glass of wine,” or “go on vacation.”
The problem
Not everyone drinks and not everyone can afford a vacation. Simply telling someone to relax doesn’t do much other than frustrate the person trying to experience pleasure. The pressure to relax can actually make relaxing even more difficult.
Better advice
Practice deep breathing techniques or create a sleep routine that reduces stress. Or, rather than relaxation, focus on sensation and being present in the moment by connecting to your five senses. Focusing on sensation can act as a grounding mechanism and strengthen your connection to your partner in that specific moment. It can also quiet your mind if you find that your thoughts are wandering during sex or other intimate times.
You shouldn’t have to work to create sexual chemistry. It should happen naturally.
The problem
This is not true at all. Sexual chemistry and desire can take work and effort. In fact, that’s the case most of the time! While some chemistry happens naturally, over time you will need to put in the effort to create and maintain sexual chemistry with your partner and ensure you have sexual attraction for one another. Remember, there is much more to sexual attraction, sexual chemistry, and connection than physical appearance.
Better advice
Sometimes life can be incredibly unsexy. In those times, you’ll need to try harder to create intimate moments with your partner. Sometimes you need to dig down and work on unlocking your deepest desires together. This is natural, and you can view it as a journey you are taking together.
Kegel exercises will fix just about everything.
The problem
Doing Kegel exercises may spice up your sex life or it may not. Most of my clients actually need to relax more than they need to “tone” their pelvic floor. In fact, not being able to relax your pelvic floor can cause pain during sex.
Better advice
Check in with your body. If you’re feeling stressed and tense, chances are you probably need to relax your pelvic floor. Doing exercises to relax can help your sex life and reduce your stress levels. You might even find that different positions work better for you when your pelvic floor is less tight.
Some exercises to relax the pelvic floor are diaphragmatic breathing, adductor stretches, and certain yoga poses such as child’s pose and happy baby pose.
“Do yoga” or “learn tantra.”
The problem
These aren’t for everyone. If consciously connecting to your body is something that you struggle with and it creates barriers to sexual connection, then these things might help. But they may also not help the quality of your sex life or hep you to feel sexual.
Better advice
If you prefer a brisk walk to pigeon pose, go for it! Find your own ways to release stress and check in with your body. That could be some kind of mindfulness practice, exercise, or even dancing your feelings out. How you connect to your body and your sexual energy is unique to you.
Want to learn more?
If you want more ideas on how to spice up your sex life, then subscribe to the ezine and check out The Try New Things Issue.
You can also chat with me. As an experienced sex and dating coach, I’ve helped people better understand their bodies, answer questions that they may not feel comfortable asking others, and improve their sex lives and dating strategies. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.