How to explore kink with a partner
Do you think of yourself as proudly kinky … or as someone who still hasn’t explored the wonderful world of kink?
No matter if you find yourself gravitating towards vanilla or super kinky, I’m here to tell you it’s all good. This article is for all of you who are curious about implementing more kink into their sex lives… and how to gracefully, safely, and ethically explore kink with a partner.
Because exploring kink with yourself is one thing -- but the idea of exploring it with your partner can feel intimidating at first.
What if they reject your ideas? (This can feel like a personal rejection of YOU.)
It doesn’t have to be scary! Start with what you fantasize about. If you can’t stop thinking about being tied up or engaging in a teacher-student role play, this is a great place to start experimenting with kink in your relationship. Plus, in this article we’ll cover what kink is, why kink is completely healthy and “normal”, common kinks and ways to explore them with your partner.
What are sexual kinks?
Kink is defined as “unconventional sexual taste or behavior.” This definition, to me, is already pretty biased. Unconventional means “out of the ordinary” and having a kink (or not) is completely “ordinary” and “normal”.
Certain kinks can carry a negative stigma though, and it’s important to understand that when it comes to what you like sexually, you absolutely do not have anything to feel ashamed about. Shame has no place in the bedroom - unless it’s your kink!
Also the terms “kink” and “fetish” are mistakenly used interchangeably. The definition of fetish is an “object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification.” In other words, a fetish is something you need in order to become aroused. A kink is an umbrella term used to describe anything that isn’t the assumed straight, missionary, baby-making sex, fetishes included.
So let’s redefine kink as sexual taste or behavior outside of “vanilla” or strictly penis-in-vagina-sex. Writer Jillian Keenan argues that kink can actually be considered an orientation, “That is, kink is both an identity (if recognized and accepted as such) and an orientation, which means one can hide it, not practice it, and renounce it—but it’s not going away.”
This is why self acceptance of your kinks is so important!
Kink is healthy and normal
A lot of people (vanilla and kinky alike) are shocked to learn that kink is perfectly healthy and “normal” — and wonderful to explore — as long as all your kinky explorations are consensual and safe. Consider BDSM, where consent is part of the act/experience for both dominant and submissive partners. No matter what, it’s essential for all partners to feel safe and secure.
Part of understanding kink is demystifying it. According to writer Rajvi Desai, “The kink sexual preference is a greatly stigmatized one, and the psychology behind it misunderstood.” It’s been mistakenly attributed to trauma, which isn’t true. Desai explains, “Understanding how kink develops and what kinky people get out of it are initial steps toward normalizing an integral aspect of human sexuality.”
It makes sense that with the stigma that can sometimes follow kink that not everyone feels comfortable exploring kink with a partner. But the more we understand it, the easier it is to accept and enjoy it as a natural part of the spectrum of human sexuality.
About 10% of the U.S. population has experimented with kink. This includes those who had one-time experiences as well as those who actively pursue it as a lifestyle. To compare this with other sexual identities, it’s about the same percentage as those who identify as gay and/or who have had same-sex experiences.
Common sexual kinks to explore (in no particular order)
BDSM
BDSM can be split into several groups: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. This kink can be incorporated to many degrees, from light bondage to in-depth dominant and submissive styles.
“The core of BDSM is the psychological part,” explains Mistress Damiana Chi to Everyday Health, a dominatrix in Los Angeles who holds a PhD in clinical psychology. “For BDSM to be real, it has to involve an exchange of power with a lot of trust and respect. The couple has to decide which role they want to play, the dominant one or the submissive, and it’s that dynamic that creates erotic intensity.”
While many think of BDSM as a practice that inflicts pain, BDSM can actually incorporate a huge range of sensation play including tickling, light slapping, dripping hot wax on skin, wearing blindfolds, tying up your partner with a silk scarf, and playful commands.
Want to learn more about incorporating BDSM into your sex life? Listen to our panel of experts discuss various kink communities, identities, communication, and safety in the Allbodies panel I hosted, “Exploring BDSM”.
Voyeurism and Exhibitionism
Voyeurism is the act of getting sexual pleasure from watching others, whether that’s a simple strip tease or watching others have sex. If the idea of watching your significant other masturbate or have sex with someone else turns you on… voyeurism could be right up your alley.
On the flip side, exhibitionists feel a sense of sexual thrill from being watched — so if it turns you on to think about someone watching you naked or in a sexual act, you might be a budding exhibitionist.
Roleplaying
It can be thrilling to don a wig and pretend you’re someone you’re not. Think sexy massage therapist or bratty heiress. This can also include uniform play, or different locations. For instance, meeting your partner in a bar and pretending to be strangers all over again could be a fun time. This kink is really about setting the stage for sexual play.
You can also consider power play here too: boss and employee, teacher and student, nurse and patient, a famous musician and their fawning fan — the possibilities are endless. Some of these power dynamics are sexually charged because they are so taboo in real life. As long as the scene is consensual and something both parties are comfortable playing with, it can be fun to explore these edges together.
While roleplaying, don’t be afraid to go all in! “"The type of communication and trust involved in releasing one's everyday self to explore within the context of role play can enhance bonding and intimacy between partners," Dulcinea Pitagora tells BestLife. Don’t be afraid to dive into creativity and play together — even though you might feel silly at first. I’ve had clients role play alien landing scenes, complete with changing LED lighting!
Group sex and threesomes
For this kink, three isn’t a crowd. Group sex is what it sounds like, involving others in your sexual activities. This one can also incorporate voyeurism if one partner likes the idea of watching another partner having sex with someone else.
As with all types of sex, clear boundaries, communication, and safe words are an essential part of group sex and threesomes. Make sure everyone is clear on what the boundaries are. For example, maybe it’s cool for your partner to go down on someone else but penetrative sex is off limits. Discussing everything beforehand is a great way to avoid crossing boundaries.
Golden shower/Piss play/Watersports
The act of one partner peeing on another for sexual gratification. This can also be involved with BDSM.
If you’re curious about what it would be like to pee on someone or have someone pee on you, there are a few things to consider. First, where would you like this to happen? Some folks prefer watersports in the shower or bathtub so that cleanup is super easy. If you like the idea of being on a bed so that other play can follow, I recommend investing in some rubber sheets.
Orgasm control
Sometimes also incorporated with BDSM, this kink is all about giving or taking control of orgasms. Also called “edging”, the idea here is that delaying your orgasm or edging close to it without cumming enables you to have a much stronger, more powerful orgasm.
This is by no means an exhaustive list — there are hundreds of other kinks to explore! But remember first and foremost -- CONSENT. This is huge with any and all kinks. Consent is the first and most important step that keeps everyone safe, healthy, and happy. The key components of consent are that it it freely given, reversible at any time, informed, enthusiastic and specific (FRIES). To learn more about consent, check out Planned Parenthood’s breakdown of FRIES.
How to explore kink with a partner
Communicate early and often.
Before you even step into the bedroom, have a series of conversations about exploring your specific kink. Err on the side of over-communication. In this case, more is more! Establish boundaries — what are you both looking forward to happening? What is out of bounds? Be clear on these before starting any type of play.
Afraid to even broach the subject? You are not alone. Some kinky folks have had negative experiences sharing their desires with a partner. It’s good to remember that not everyone will react negatively and the best part about being honest and stating what you want is that you just might get it! Saying things like “I’m afraid that if I share this part of myself, you might not love me as much,” or “I’m afraid of being judged” can really bust the anxiety in the air and make both partners feel more comfortable talking through it.
Yes/no/maybe list
There are lots of surveys out there (and even apps!) that help you and your partner figure out what you’re both into. If you’re too embarrassed to say it out loud, using an app to explore kinks together might be an easier option. You might also be surprised with what your partner is into!
The XConfessions App by Erika Lust helps you figure out where your desires overlap with your partner’s. Read this article to learn more about how it works!
Allow space for non-judgement
Because of the stigma of kinks, it can be really difficult for someone to open up about what they’re into, especially if they’ve been rejected in the past. Be sure to let your partner this is a no-shame and no-judgement zone, and that you’ll love and care about them no matter what.
What if you really don’t like your partner’s kinks?
A lot of couples have erotic worlds that don’t match, but you can still be in a healthy relationship. If you feel so uncomfortable about your partner’s kink that you don’t want to meet them halfway or try it out, consider how important it is for them to be able to vent this kink in other ways — whether with other people, through watching porn, or masturbation. It’s essential for each partner to get their needs met — just as it’s essential for each partner to feel enthusiastic about everything that happens between them.
What if your partner doesn’t like your kinks?
First of all, stay open to where they are coming from and be prepared to answer all of your partner’s questions honestly. And no matter what their response is, know there’s nothing wrong with your kink. If your partner isn’t sure how to proceed, give them time to think about it. This might require multiple conversations. Maybe open up a broader conversation about what turns you both on — so you can figure out how to meet in the middle.
Be specific and direct.
This goes back to consent, really. If you’ve got something that you’re really into, be direct and specific so that your partner knows what you want to do and how you want to do it. From mental images to actual examples, give your partner the tools they best need to understand what it is you need/want. Sometimes if you’re embarrassed it can be easy to misrepresent what you’re into leaving both of you confused and frustrated. It’s far more helpful to hear, “I would love to be tickled all over my body with a feather ” instead of vaguely, “I want to experiment with sensation play.”
Do your research.
Once you’re both on the same page with what each of you wants, do your research! This is KEY to staying safe and having fun. For example, if you’ve always wanted to try choking or any activity where there is physical impact it’s important to research the proper techniques so nobody gets hurt. This will also help both of you to go into the activity with confidence and the knowledge to ask questions when they arise.
Use a safe word
Popular with BDSM, safe words can help each partner define their limits easily and without judgment. While you should always go over what is ok and not ok prior, if things get heated and someone is feeling uncomfortable this is a wonderful way to reel things back in.
A great idea for safe words is the “red, yellow” concept. Saying “yellow” means slow down, and “red” tells everyone to stop.
Go deeper into kink
Fantasies are harmless (and amazing, actually!). There’s nothing wrong with exploring them. I address this issue a little more in my article titled “Help! My sexual fantasies aren’t what I want in real life.”
But if you feel like your fantasies are pulling you away from healthy sex with your partner, or if you’re having a hard time overcoming guilt around your sexual thoughts, it might be time to lighten the load by talking to a trusted professional.
Sex coaching can help you overcome excessive feelings of guilt or shame, and help you incorporate your kinks into a perfectly healthy, pleasure-forward sex life. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.