How to be a better partner
Sometimes the reason you’re not having more sex in your relationship has nothing to do with the sex … and more to do with the state of your relationship.
Often, clients who come to me wanting more sex in their relationship are actually looking for more connection -- whether they realize it or not. One client told me, “I feel like my partner and I never have sex! We’ve tried all sorts of things to spice things up but nothing seems to work.”
If you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, your sex life probably won’t be at its best. Often our sex lives reflect what is happening in our relationship, so it’s important to check in regularly.
At the end of the day, being a better partner and having better sex go hand-in-hand. In this article, we’ll cover relationship maintenance behaviors, love languages, and more helpful ways you can be a better partner today.
Relationship maintenance behaviors
According to Canary & Stafford these 5 behaviors are the key to maintaining a successful long term relationship:
Positivity
To start off, “….positivity includes tactics such as being cheerful (when not wanting to be), refraining from criticism, engaging in spontaneous and fun events, and others.”
But that’s not to say you need to be positive around your partner all the time, life happens. Consider the magic ratio, a study done back in the 70s to discover the differences between happy couples and not-so-happy couples.
According to this study, happy couples during conflict had 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
What does this look like in practice? Sprinkled bits of humor or good nature when discussing the much-needed but hard topics of any relationship. Conflict happens in every relationship, but that doesn’t mean these conversations have to be all-negative.
Openness
Openness “refers to discussing current and future directions of the relationship, as well as disclosing one's goals for the relationship.” This disclosure focuses specially on a couple’s thoughts about the relationship.
So what does this look like? Being upfront with your partner about where your relationship is going and where you’d like it to go. Being open with your partner enables you both to be on the same page of what’s going on in the relationship. Not being open with your partner can lead to feelings of insecurity on either side. No one wants to feel like they’re in a relationship with a brick wall.
Assurances
This section can tie into openness too: “...assurances involve behaviors that show one's commitment to the partner, stress one's faithfulness, and provide support to the partner.” They also found that married couples use this behavior more than dating or engaged partners.
It makes sense when you think about it, having assurances that your partner will be there and showing support means that the energy you’re putting into your relationship is being nurtured and appreciated.
Social networks
This behavior relies “on friends and families as resources that help stabilize the relationship.” Some examples of this are a long weekend visit with either partner’s family, spending time with each other’s friends and encouraging each other to have these communities outside of the partnership. This helps to create support for your relationship outside of just the relationship. It also helps you build a positive shared life with your partner.
Shared tasks
And lastly, this refers to “doing one's fair share of the work, performing chores equitably, planning (e.g., grocery lists), and so forth.” While this may not have a lot of importance in the early part of a relationship, shared tasks can quickly become a sore spot for couples who live together.
For example, if one partner feels as if they’re doing more of the housework this can create resentment within the relationship. (Also an over-worked partner probably isn’t going to feel super sexy or loving.) But on the flip side, sharing the chores evenly can create gratitude between partners.
Expressing gratitude
When was the last time you told your partner thank you for something they did? I’m talking about verbally thanking your partner for taking out the trash or doing the dishes that were piling up. Or simply thanking them for being with you — for always being so supportive or funny. Having a positive affirmation to show appreciation in the relationship is HUGE.
There are also nonverbal ways to express gratitude in your relationship. Think about little ways to show your partner that you’re glad that they’re in a relationship with you. Maybe that means giving your sweetie a shoulder rub after a long day of work or sending them a good luck text before their big presentation.
The best way to express gratitude for your partner? Tune into their love language! Which brings us to our next point.
Knowing your love languages
Not every relationship is the same because not everyone loves in the same ways. This is why the 5 love languages were created.
According to author and counselor Gary Chapman, the 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Telling your partner how much you care about them in spoken or written words. (Can be anything from writing a love poem to telling your partner how much they mean to you.)
Quality Time
Putting effort into spending quality time (vs. quantity) with someone, where you’re both present and doing something together, even if it’s something as simple as taking a walk.
Physical Touch
This doesn’t have to be sexual, but it can be. Some examples are holding hands, lightly touching your partner as you walk by or giving your partner a massage.
Acts of Service
Taking time to do something for your partner that they’ll appreciate. Some common examples are making a meal or running an errand for a stressed out or sick partner, planning a vacation, handling the dishes or orchestrating a fun date.
Receiving Gifts
This love language gets a bad rap. Having “gifts” as a love language does not make someone materialistic or high maintenance. This love language is all about thoughtfulness. Maybe your partner feels loved when you bring them a piece of chocolate from work, or when you pick them flowers from the yard.
A fun activity to try with your partner is to create your own list of love languages, from 1 being the most relevant to you to 5 being the least relevant. Compare and contrast your lists. You might be surprised by the results!
For example, if your partner lists receiving gifts as their #1 and they frequently bring you home flowers when you’ve had a bad day, maybe you’ve never thought too much about it because your #1 is physical touch and you really just want more hugs.
It’s important to try to show your partner love the way they want to be loved vs. showing love only the way YOU want to be loved. The 5 love language comparison list is an excellent starting point for this. Not sure what your and your partner’s love language is? Click here to take the quiz.
Hellos and goodbyes
How do you typically say hello to your partner? How about goodbye? When you first start dating, hellos and goodbyes are almost always more pronounced. You’re both super excited to see each other and saying goodbye can be difficult.
Generally early on in relationships we put a lot more effort into hellos and goodbyes. After a few years of being together, especially after living together, it can be easy to take hellos and goodbyes for granted.
Focus on having positive interactions when you say hello and goodbye to your partner. When you’re both done with work, make an effort to kiss or hug before diving into dinner plans. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-days and forget this important step - especially if you’ve both been working from home! It can leave things feeling overly routine and stale in the long run. But adding a passionate kiss or a close hug to each hello and goodbye can start to bring some of that spark back.
Perfectly present
None of these other steps matter if you’re not present when you’re around your partner. It’s so easy today to get lost in our phones and forget to unplug. I would say one of the most important steps to being a better partner is to be present when you’re around them. Let the troubles of the day go (as best you can), unplug and check in with those you care about.
This is also a HUGE part of the quality time love language. It’s impossible to have quality time when you’re both staring at a screen and not connecting.
How being a better partner adds up to a better sex life
This article has covered so many different ways you can be a better partner, and by no means do you need to do them all. For every person and every relationship, different combinations will work best.
But overall these are all great ways to build and maintain a connection with your partner. The stronger the connection we have with our partners, naturally the stronger the sexual connection will be as well.
If our partner's needs are being met, it’s easier for them to be in the mood than if their needs aren’t being met.
I’m here to help
If you’re still struggling with how to be a better partner, I’m here to help. My coaching packages are tailored specifically to your needs and I work with LGBTQAI, poly, kinky folks of all ages, races and abilities. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.