How Often Should You Have Sex (When You & Your Partner Have Mismatched Libidos)
As a sex coach, it's common for me to see couples with mismatched libidos, in which one partner does not want sex as often as the other.
This may cause the high-libido partner to feel like their sexual needs are being neglected, or even suppressed in some way.
Forever hungry for play, high-libido people view sex as a form of nourishment between the sheets, while their partner might not feel such a need for frequent sexual intimacy.
This leads to some interesting questions. If one half of the relationship doesn’t require routine romps, and the other half does, how often should couples have sex? And perhaps more importantly, what IS a healthy, "normal" amount of sexual activity for couples?
In this article, you'll learn how often is often enough and the common cycles of approach-and-avoid couples can fall into. You’ll also learn exactly how to find balance between mismatched libidos for a healthier, happier relationship.
There’s No Such Thing as “Normal”.
When it comes to measuring the "best" or "healthiest" sexual frequency, there is no clear-cut answer.
Studies have shown that depending upon the couple, sexual encounters can vary from anywhere from once a year, to once or twice a day. What's good for one couple may be completely out of the question for the next.
Asking questions like: "How often should we have sex?" may only result in stress and frustration. .
Instead, ask each other: “What works for us?” or “How can we have BETTER sex?” to yield more productive conversations and outcomes.
However, there is something to be said for consistency. A study published in 2019 shows that couples under 50 who have sex on a weekly basis, tend to be far happier than those who hold out for prolonged periods of time.
A key part of this sexual satisfaction relies upon the quality of the sex being had. A couple that shares fulfilling and meaningful sexual experiences on a regular basis is far more likely to report greater relationship satisfaction.
"You should be sexual as often as both you and your partner feel good ... If you can say it was satisfying and fulfilling, that's how often you should be sexual." -Dr. Linda De Villers, adjunct professor of psychology and education at Pepperdine
Why No Sex At All Can Become A Problem
Some couples don’t need sex to maintain a healthy connection. In fact, some people have underlying medical conditions that make sex either impossible or a hassle, others might want to date longer or tie the knot before having sex, and others yet are asexual and feel little to no sexual desire.
And yet… for many, sex is an essential part of relationship maintenance.
According to sex therapists and experts, when couples stop having sex routinely, or all together, a few unpleasant issues arise, with the following four factors being the most prominent:
Detachment
Infidelity
Anger
Divorce/Breakups
So if you find yourselves overwhelmed and exhausted by the stress of daily life, and sex has fallen to the wayside, what can you do to get your groove back?
What If My Partner and I Have Mismatched Libidos?
Partners with higher sex drive may experience feelings of guilt, shame, rejection, low self-esteem, and frustration when their sexual advances are ignored.
On the other end, people with lower sex drives can start to feel like they are little more than their partner’s “play thing”, having to submit to their partner’s every sexual whim. This may lead to arguments about why one partner cares more about sex than other core components within the relationship, and why the other is acting cold and withholding.
Talk it Over
Communication and creativity are key. When both partners are willing to work together, mismatched libidos can be overcome.
Time and time again, studies have found that communicating about one’s sexual needs is vital to the health of a relationship. Take the time, open up, talk it over, and don’t forget to have a long hug when you are done.
Spice It Up Both Inside And Outside the Sack
When it comes to how often a couple should have sex, it has just as much to do with what happens outside of the bedroom.
Life is hectic, so instead of getting right down to business, try initiating play while cooking dinner, or while snuggling on the sofa. This can really help bridge the gap between battling libidos, as it provides an even playing field of sorts.
Studies also have shown that couples with polarizing libidos tend to have the greatest success in meeting a common ground when the following five methods are implemented:
Show appreciation and interest in your partner’s non-sexual interests
Remove screen-time from the equation and focus on one another
Practice affectionate touching without being overly sexual
Try teasing and light foreplay, but with ZERO expectations
Skip the penetrative sex and opt for mutual masturbation or oral sex instead
Should You Schedule Sex?
The number one resistance I hear to scheduling sex is “but sex should be spontaneous, or else it won’t be good!”
Think about it: sex has never been truly spontaneous. When you were younger, you used to set a date, ready your nerves and put on your cutest underwear. You were anticipating action. Think of “scheduling sex” as the same.
And sometimes it comes down to the fact that scheduling sex allows sex to happen at all.
Hear me out: the biggest perk of planning sex is that it gives you an excuse to set time aside for one another.
This not only allows increased intimacy, but it can also help turn the act into more of an “event” than a routine, and will generate anticipation for both partners.
No need to pencil it into your day planner or anything. Just a quick, sexy text asking if tonight is good for a little play time is all that is required. ;) If you’re the more formal type, send your sweetie a calendar invite!
Building Libido
Despite all of life’s outside influences, healthy sexual activity between couples still rotates around libido.
Low libido can prevent frequent sex from occurring, and even hamper the act itself once initiated.
In order to boost libido, many doctors suggest skipping the prescriptions, and having couples “...focus on the experiences that have worked for them in the past.”
This might mean revisiting pre-baby conditions by hiring a sitter, taking a vacation together, or getting back on a sleep schedule that works best to support your sex life.
Outside of revisiting what has worked before, partners can also boost libido by de-stressing (meditation, exercise, massage, ASMR, etc), and exercising regularly to release those feel-good hormones.
Introducing new sexual experiences, exploring each other’s fantasies, and remembering exactly what your partner likes and when can also make a major difference in libido levels.
Remember, no set amount of sex will make a relationship more healthy. It will only enhance it. However, if you still feel stuck after reading this, receiving professional sex coaching may be just the thing you need to turn that boring old routine into a fun weekly fling.
Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.