10 surprising truths about sex during (and after) pregnancy
Back in March, I was on The Savvy Black Birther Podcast where I had a fantastic conversation with Licensed Midwife Takiya Sakina Ballard. In this hour-and-a-half-long conversation, we spoke about all things sex during pregnancy and postpartum.
We busted the myths and dove into the facts that will help you have a healthy sex life during pregnancy and beyond.
To listen to the full episode, click here.
Pregnancy is full of changes and shifts that demand our response. During the pregnancy and postpartum period, we cannot expect ourselves -- and our bodies -- to feel and behave like usual.
Think about it: our bodies go through quick, intense changes during a relatively short period of time - even if it feels sometimes like an eternity. It makes sense that we would feel a bit off-kilter.
With that said, many pregnant people come to me wondering, “what will happen to my sex life”? “How much will this change things?” “How can I balance having a baby and having a relationship that includes pleasure and sexual connection?” and “what exactly do I owe my partner during this time when I might not be feeling the sexiest?”
You might not be surprised to learn that pregnancy and child bearing changes your sex life. It changes just about everything.
And during this time, sometimes sex will be the answer, and sometimes it won’t.
That’s why I’ve compiled the most important points from my conversation with Takiya, so you can head into pregnancy and birth with a more peaceful, empowered understanding of how your sex life will change -- and how to maintain a healthy, strong connection with your romantic partner during pregnancy and beyond.
9 ways your sex life might change during pregnancy
Here are the most common changes to expect to your sex life when you’re expecting.
You may experience libido changes.
Many people imagine themselves getting it on all throughout their pregnancies, but the reality can look quite different. Between the morning sickness, intense fatigue, and being able to smell everything from here to Humboldt County, you might not feel your sexiest for the next 9 months or even longer.
Your changing hormones means your libido is changing -- and what felt good a few months ago might not sound as appealing to you now. And that’s okay. Allow yourself to get creative and explore what feels good. Taking a break is okay too.
Mismatched libidos is one of the most common concerns I receive from couples who are expecting, and can drive a wedge in relationships since it can be so hard to talk about. This is where the importance of better sexual communication skills comes into play.
2. Your partner may experience libido changes.
Pregnancy can be a weird time for your partner, too! Don’t be surprised if your partner is not as interested in having sex with you when you’re pregnant. These changes are big for them as well, and it’s possible their sexual desire might shift during this time.
Some partners are worried about “having sex too close to the baby” or even hurting the baby through penetrative sex. (Penetrative sex is perfectly safe during pregnancy, and we’ll get to this in just a minute.)
What can non-pregnant partners do to be supportive during pregnancy?
Know this: when we’re dealing with mismatched libidos, sometimes the partner with the lower libido can feel like its their responsibility to gratify the sexual needs of the higher-libido partner. Both partners should note: neither partner is responsible for the other’s sexual gratification.
Non-pregnant partners should remember that there will be times when you also will not be available for sex, or at least the kind of sex you’ve grown accustomed to. For example, if you have the flu, you’re not exactly down for sex.
Partners, take heed: you are your own pleasure partner. Self-pleasure is a gift we give ourselves.
In fact, we are our own longest-term sexual relationship in our lives. If you’re the higher-libido partner, maybe this is the time to go enjoy some sexual pleasure forays with yourself through the glorious gift of masturbation.
3. You might feel like your body is betraying you.
Something is happening to you outside of your control that’s affecting you on a daily basis. A lot of hormones are coming online that affect mood, cognition, and memory. You’re bloated, the most tired you’ve ever felt, and nauseous.
It makes total sense if you don’t feel all that sexy!
It’s also normal to go through a type of “mourning process” as your body experiences the changes of pregnancy. Mixed feelings are normal. For example, you might feel thrilled about how your boobs are getting bigger, or you might miss your tiny chest size from before.
This is just part of the cycle. Life is full of seasons -- and some of these seasons aren't our sexiest. And that’s okay. These cycles require us to reshape our expectations of the moment because life isn’t going to feel normal right now.
It’s unfair to hold yourself to an unfair standard. So do your best to be kind to yourself.
4. You might experience a lack of vaginal lubrication.
Those pesky hormones might be creating the miracle of life, but they’re also drying up your vagina. During penetrative sex, be sure to have a bottle of high-quality lube on hand so you can enjoy sex without pain or excess friction. Some of my clients utilize silicone lube durning pregnancy when before they would have used water-based. This is because silicone tends to last longer so you don’t have to reapply or use as much.
5. You might like different things sexually when you’re pregnant.
This is a phase where you can try new things and explore whatever your body wants! There is a ton of room for imagination here, so give yourself permission for pleasure. Sexuality is an entire universe and most of us are just living on one single planet, so use this time to explore what feels good -- without shame or judgment.
Some great additions to pregnancy sex include: vibrators for easier clitoral stimulation, pillows or wedges to prop you up and support your body so you can be more comfortable, and (as mentioned above) a lube you love!
What will happen to my sex life after baby is born?
After pregnancy, the birth can feel like a finish line, but the birth is just the start of what many health practitioners are increasingly calling “the fourth trimester”.
You might expect your libido to come back online after the baby comes, but it might not.
In fact, breastfeeding is known to dampen libido, so your pre-baby desire levels might not come fully back until your little one weans off.
Keep in mind: breastfeeding doesn’t completely prevent you from getting pregnant, so speak to your healthcare provider about birth control options if you’re not wanting to get pregnant again.
Some more common questions about pregnancy and sex
If you have a question about pregnancy and sex, chances are, someone else has it too. Here are some of the more common questions I get about pregnancy, childbirth, and sex.
Is there anything that can harm the fetus during penetrative sex?
No. There is no reason to believe that penetrative sex would harm a fetus. As long as there is no medical restriction for sex, you will not harm your baby.
What happens if I can’t have sex for a while?
If you have a routine vaginal birth, you won’t be able to have sex for about six weeks. But! it can be longer especially if you have a c-section or significant vaginal tearing. Of course, it’s important to set your own timeline for this with your doctor’s support. Some of us need more time than others. Listen to your body.
The inability to have penetrative sex can be a wonderful opportunity. This is a great time to talk about fantasies, watch porn together, enjoy mutual masturbation, all the acts that can rekindle the spark and play with sexual energy.
Sexual massage, spending sensual time with one another, intimacy, oral sex, hand jobs… think of all the other activities that might expand your sex life beyond penetrative sex. Not having penetrative sex might even remind you of the earlier stages of your relationship, which could be fun!
How can I establish a healthy sexual relationship within the new family structure?
First of all, give yourselves some time to adjust to your new reality.
When you’re ready to foray back into the wonderful world of sex, realize that your pre-baby routine might no longer be possible. This requires imagination, intention, and the willingness to explore other possibilities for sex beyond what you’re used to.
Think: a quickie in the bathroom. A steamy encounter in the car after date night. Think of anything that shakes up your pre-baby routine so you can start thinking about sex differently.
What happens when you have an orgasm during pregnancy?
Orgasm is perfectly safe during all stages of pregnancy.
Fun fact: once you begin the labor process, penetrative sex and orgasm can help soften the cervix -- which might help you enter into labor flow.
Semen especially can help soften the cervix and get that baby ready to come through!
But if you’re nowhere near birth, orgasm and penetrative sex will not affect the pregnancy unless your doctor tells you specifically to avoid it.
During major life changes, get the support you need
Going through this phase of life can be magical and exciting. And it can be overwhelming, scary, and confusing. If you think you’d like a little more support around how to protect your relationship from the challenges of starting a family, I’m here to help.
My coaching packages are tailored specifically to your needs and I work with LGBTQAI, poly, kinky folks of all ages, races and abilities. Click here to learn more about sex and dating coaching with me.